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The Complete Military History of France Forum Index -> Riff-Raff Hang Out

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Joined: 18 May 2002
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PostPosted: 02/24/03 - 21:54    Post subject: The Complete Military History of France
> - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000
> years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an
> Italian.
> - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female
> schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
> Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a
> Frenchman."
> - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to
> ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
> - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
> - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but
> manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that
> eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
> - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
> chapeaux.
> - The Dutch War - Tied
> - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
> Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
> Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of
> French military power.
> - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
> their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
> - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
> future Americans, France claims a win even though the English
> colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
> Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France
> only wins when America does most of the fighting."
> - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
> also French.
> - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
> Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match
> For a British footwear designer.
> - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
> Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
> - World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
> United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to
> Not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her
> "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces
> forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
> - World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States
> and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
> - War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed
> with the Dien Bien Flu
> - Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western
> army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces
> the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French."
> This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians,
> Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
> - War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history,
> surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to
> surrender to North Korean ambassador fail after he takes refuge
> in a McDonald's.
> The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should
> not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
> collapses?"
> On France
> France: Continuing to lead the world in pastries, dead Impressionists,
> And people who really do think they matter.
> Question: "Why are there trees planted along the Champs Elysees?"
> Answer: "So the Germans can march in the shade."
> Do not worry, France will always be with the U.S. when they need the
> U.S.
> Going to war with France as an ally is like going hunting with an
> accordion.
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PostPosted: 02/24/03 - 21:57    Post subject:
I will save this one Eric. I love this one.
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PostPosted: 02/24/03 - 22:04    Post subject:
Glad you liked it! I will probably it add it under the comic picture about the French Army on my alternate web site.
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PostPosted: 02/24/03 - 22:38    Post subject:
This one is funny as all get out! I like the WWII, just as they were learning the Horst Wesel song.
Mr. Airehead
Advocatus Diaboli
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PostPosted: 02/25/03 - 03:31    Post subject:
This is great. I passed it around to all of the military guys over here where I am. The French aren't too popular over here for some reason...
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PostPosted: 02/25/03 - 06:42    Post subject:
Great one Eric. So much truth in it.
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